Feeling valuable, important, worthy and even having desires - though objectively good things to feel - bring up some worry for Debra. This new conscious awareness came with a feeling of “coldness” to Debra, because that’s how her body learned to express big emotions, especially fear.īased on her history, “asking for more”, be it in a love relationship, or at work, feels scary. Once that anxiety had reduced significantly, she had space to look at the other areas of her life that have been nagging at her unconsciously. She’s been holding a lot more than the annoying anxiety that had been chirping at her for some time. “And also, I know this might be too much to ask for, and I don’t know why it’s bothering me so much lately, but I really want to feel more fulfilled in my profession.” “I’m hungry for more connection and love in my marriage”. In this session, Debra began sharing, how, over the last little while, she’s come to realize that she wants more out of life than just resolving her anxiety. “ I didn’t realize that becoming healthier would suddenly make more space for me to look at who I really am at my core”. In our first meeting she had mentioned that there was some family-of-origin “rubble” she had wanted to sift through and resolve, but she very clearly said we need to leave that on the back burner for the time being. She’s resolved most of her anxiety related to specific triggering situations. She came in committed to developing healthier tools to function. She has slowly been chipping away at her defenses. And here, Debra is totally rocking the psych lingo and has begun to understand the coping mechanisms and her “go-to” defenses. I often joke with my clients, telling them they can educate others about anxiety, trauma and the nervous system after they are in treatment with me. “I think there’s a big slice of denial, a heaping portion of dissociation, a dollop of daily distraction and a flavor of fear that’s held me back from seeing the obvious”. But I do know that being with her in this ever-powerful experience will likely begin to defrost her a bit, and allow her to feel less alone in “Siberia”.ĭebra goes on to share that she’s recently become aware of how sad her life is, in a way she had never fully been aware of before. Just as her top branded earmuffs can’t dull the cold, I know that one session, one word of comfort or one healing trauma intervention may not turn the feeling of bitter cold to warm heat. What I do know is, that regardless of the reason for her coldness, being able to connect with another person and having a shared experience, has the potential to alleviate the cold. “Coldness can be a ‘cover’ to strong emotions hidden beneath the surface”īut between my own heart and mind, I know that coldness is often the feeling we experience in our bodies when we are struggling emotionally feeling alone, confused, misunderstood, or are facing some deeper issues that are coming up from beneath the surface Family-of-origin struggles, emotional neglect, insecurities, depression, past trauma memories resurfacing, lack of meaning or belonging.įor now, I want to hear about what it is like for her. I want this moment to expand, to focus solely on her and the importance of what she just shared. She is holding something deep inside that is making her body feel cold, almost frozen and motionless.Īs a therapist, I notice my desire to share with her that I, too, get the feeling of coldness, but I hold back. “ I feel an unrelenting “chill” in the air - everywhere I go.” And I want to hear more about what coldness is like for you.”

I want to hold her experience as she expresses the depth of what only can be felt, not seen She’s looking at me, almost as if her eyes are asking if I understand the coldness.I look at her eyes and hold my gaze for an extra few moments.

Crack open a cold one expanding brain